April 27, 2016
Client 1 (Alicia): “I joined Match.com two weeks ago, and only creeps and weirdos have emailed me!”
Erika: “That’s annoying! But you’re a great catch, so of course people are emailing you.”
Alicia: “Yeah, but they’re not the RIGHT people.”
Erika: “Well, has anyone appropriate sent you an email?”
Alicia: “One guy I guess. We’re emailing to trying to set up a date.”
Erika: “Tony, let me know how your three dates go this week. I’m excited to hear about them!”
Client 2 (Tony): “I definitely will. Do you have any dates lined up for me for next week yet?”
Client 3 (Marc): “Ugh. I went to this event and there were only like 10 women there. I felt like it was a sausage fest.”
Erika: “That’s too bad that the organizer let the ratios get so off-balance!”
Marc: “I know! It was ridiculous.”
Erika: “Well, did you like any of the 10 women who were there?”
Marc: “I don’t know. I didn’t meet them. I left when I saw that it was mostly men.”
I want to give Alicia, Tony, and Marc the same advice: Focus more on what you do have, not so much on what you don’t. In Alicia’s case, while she’s getting a number of emails from “creeps and weirdos” (which is subjective to begin with), what she neglected to tell me initially was that one guy with potential actually wrote to her, and they’re in the date-planning phase. Win! And, I didn’t even get to the part where I would ask Alicia whether she’s reaching out to men on her own because she should be proactive about the process as well. Liken it to a job search. If you only interviewed for the positions and companies that reached out to you, then either you’d be going to a lot of worthless job interviews… or none at all. Being proactive is the key. In online dating, there’s no barrier to someone sending you a message. (There is on the dating apps, though. You have to have a “mutual match,” in that you’ve both chosen each other in order to be able to write.) Just think to yourself, “I’m flattered. Not for me. Delete.”
In Tony’s case, he already has three dates lined up! Why is he so worried about next week? He’s already assuming that this week’s three dates won’t live up to whatever standard he presumes is needed to convert to a second date. Three dates in one week is nothing to stick your nose up at! Just see how they go, and then “worry” about next week.
Marc had a great opportunity to meet 10 new women, and he squandered it because all he could focus on was who was not at the party. These 10 women got dressed, traveled to the venue, and were ready and willing to meet new people. What did Marc do with this opportunity? He completely dismissed the whole event rather than taking advantage of talking to them and potentially hitting it off. I bet many men went home having met someone that night. Marc didn’t give himself the chance.
I’m not saying that you have to count your blessings or anything like that. Honestly, when people say to “remember all the blessings you have in life,” I often roll my eyes. Yes, I’m lucky. Yes, I know it. What I’m talking about here is much more narrow. Focus on what’s actually in front of you, not what might be or what isn’t. As they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I’ll say a date in the scheduling phase or a first date that’s actually on the calendar is worth two who don’t bother to write, reply, or show up.