July 20, 2017

I scheduled a coffee date for 1 PM Thursday with someone on Bumble. We arranged this through the dating app the night before around midnight, ending with, “I’ll see you then!” At 11 AM on Thursday, the day of the date, when I was at the gym and couldn’t reply, I got a, “Still on for 1:00?” text. Hadn’t we just confirmed less than 12 hours ago? Had I not replied at noon saying that it did, in fact, still work, would he not have shown up?

In another instance, I scheduled a date for a Thursday evening. We confirmed the date, including the time and location, on Monday evening. On Wednesday evening, I received a text asking, “Still interested in meeting tomorrow evening?” Didn’t we already go through this? I suppose I get tired of other people’s propensity to bail (or flake or whatever you want to call it) being projected onto future dates… in this case, me. Could be worse, yes, but could also be better.

I give the advice to my clients to use the “confident confirmation” of “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” vs. the weak “Are we still on?” In talking to both male clients (since I generally recommend the man confirms a day before the date) and friends, I know that many take this “weak” approach because they are afraid that if they say, “Looking forward to seeing you,” and don’t get a response, then their date will not show up. Let’s stop the madness!!

I realize that I’m somehow now in the minority of people who do not cancel plans. I have a strong sense of obligation (guilt?), even if I don’t know the other person, to uphold a promise I make. I write my plans in stone (which perhaps leads to a heavy day planner!), so I, as both a dating coach and a person, have a hard time with the way plans are no longer set in stone for most people but more set in quicksand… fleeting at best.

Very sadly, we live in a world full of flakes. What’s at play here? Smart phones, for starters. You can cancel on someone without seeing his or her reaction. You don’t have to incur the ire of someone if you bail and then turn off your phone. But, remember that there is an actual person at the end of that phone. A person who has set aside some time in his or her life to meet you. A person who now has to find other plans or not have any plans. Sure, there are valid reasons to cancel—your child is sick, work put an unexpected deadline on you, your pet snake Marcy got into a catfight—but even if you have one of these valid reasons, remember that your time is no more valuable than someone else’s.

Here are some rules:

1. If you need to cancel the day of the date, call the person. 

Yes, call. Just last night, a client told me that her date canceled on her 45 minutes before a date—via text—with nary an apology in sight. Have courtesy.

2. If you’re canceling and you still want to see the other person, then propose a new date at the time of the cancellation.

3. Add an “I’m sorry” into any cancellation.

I once received a cancellation three hours before a date saying, “I need to rain check for tonight. I’m dealing with a work situation that will require my attention.” That’s fine. It happens. But, I read this as “Me me me. I am important. My work is important. Your time isn’t as important.” Just apologize.

4. Don’t cancel!!

Earlier this month, there was an Op Ed in the New York Times called The Golden Age of Bailing. The author, David Brooks, says, “All across America people are deciding on Monday that it would be really fantastic to go grab a drink with X on Thursday. But then when Thursday actually rolls around they realize it would actually be more fantastic to go home, flop on the bed and watch Carpool Karaoke videos. So they send the bailing text or email: ‘So sorry! I’m gonna have to flake on drinks tonight. Overwhelmed. My grandmother just got bubonic plague.…’”

Whether it’s canceling on someone at the last minute, which so many of my own dates and my clients’ dates have done, or ghosting (the deplorable act of “ending” a romantic relationship by simply no longer responding), remember that no matter what you call them, they are still bad—very bad—behaviors.

I was watching Master of None last week on Netflix, and Aziz Ansari’s character of Dev had asked a woman to go to a concert, but she didn’t reply in a timely fashion, so he asked someone else. At the 11th hour, woman #1 (aka the flake) came through, and Dev had a dilemma: Go with woman #2 as planned even though he prefers woman #1 or cancel on woman #2. There should be no dilemma. Woman #1 didn’t answer, so no date for her. Dev rationalizes with this sequence below:

Dev: Ah, it’s pretty rude to flake, man.

Friend: Bro, listen to me. How many times have girls flaked on you? Think about all that emotional stress they caused.

Dev: I’m hearing what you’re saying. Eh, maybe I’ve been looking at this from the wrong angle. I mean, whatever. We can be shitty to people now, and it’s accepted. It’s one of the great things about being alive today.

This made my brain hurt!! Bad behavior should not be replicated because people have bad behavior!

Dev, and all the dates out there who are thinking about flaking, either don’t (the optimal answer) or don’t schedule dates you don’t want to go on! And, if you do need to cancel, remember that there’s a person at the other end, with real feelings and real things to do besides wait around for you.

I welcome your comments below.

Are We Still On? Dating in the Time of Flakes.

6 thoughts on “Are We Still On? Dating in the Time of Flakes.

  • Pingback: Are We Still On? Dating in the Time of Flakes. - Zagadis.com

  • July 20, 2017 at 9:28 pm
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    Erika,

    I completely agree with your analysis. There are indeed times when unforseen events compel cancellation. I think it essential that when someone cancels, that person should propose a new date at the time of the cancellation. Otherwise, it is reasonable to assume lack of interest.

    Any chance you can make the type appear darker in your web articles? Medium gray on light gray is hard to read!

    Thanks.

    Reply
    • July 21, 2017 at 5:06 pm
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      Thanks so much for your thoughts… and the notes about the color!

      Reply
  • August 10, 2017 at 1:50 pm
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    I’ve been stood up twice recently.

    Once I texted to confirm 30 minutes before the date (because he still hadn’t chosen between 2 of the proposed date spots) and he texted to say he was still at work. He didn’t actually cancel, just stopped responding to my next texts. Then I texted the next morning, and he apologized profusely and asked for another date. Nope! He still sent several “hi” “hey” “hello” “it’s going to rain tonight” “:(” texts afterward. Sigh.

    The other time, we agreed to meet at a spot the day before, and I showed up at the designated time and spot. I texted him and waited 45 minutes, and left in tears. A couple of hours later, he texted me saying that because I hadn’t sent an additional text confirming the day of (not a response to a text he sent, as he didn’t communicate that day), he decided to read his book and take a nap. He blamed me!

    This trend is making me not want to go on dates anymore.

    Reply
    • August 12, 2017 at 5:47 pm
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      This is awful, and I’m so sorry it happened to you. But, don’t stop dating because of two sub-par men. For every two jerks like that, there are also amazing men out there who can’t wait to meet you… and they’ll show up! We can’t change other people’s behavior, but we can do things on our end moving forward, like confirming a day before (with specific language) to try to prevent this. Should you have to do that? No. But for your sanity, it might be worth it.

      Reply

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