December 26, 2021
A client sent me a text recently asking,
“Can I ask you? Why am I still single? In your opinion? Maybe I’m not putting enough effort in? I want love to find me! Arghhh!”
I actually get questions like this more often than one might think. I replied, “This sounds like a question that can’t be answered over text! You’ve obviously had relationships, so you’re not ‘still’ single. I have no doubt you could be with someone right now—many people. But you’re not looking to just be with someone; you want someone great. And that connection takes time.”
When dating—whether you’ve been single for a month, a year, or 10 years—it’s important to remember a few key things:
1. You’re not “still” single. Let’s abolish “still” from our thinking, meaning you are lacking or somehow behind in life. You are not. Instead, let’s try “single and available” or “single and looking.” That has a much more positive connotation. Along those lines, it’s important to stop viewing being single as something to fear or fix.
2. Love will not just find you. Just like when searching for a job, a new job will not come knocking at your door. Neither will love… unless there’s a cute UberEats delivery person. Finding a great partner takes time and effort.
3. The goal is not to find just any partner. The goal is to find the right partner. Don’t be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I can’t imagine a worse fate than committing to someone just to be with someone or to overcome societal pressure.
4. Stop comparing yourself to friends. Your friends have different criteria and standards than you do. I love my friends, but I wouldn’t have necessarily chosen the spouses/partners they chose… and that’s okay! This is not a race to be won.
5. Try to enjoy being single. No one is meant to complete you; someone should only complement you. Plus, being in a relationship will not make you happy. That’s your responsibility. So try to look inward, do the things you love, and become the best version of yourself. That, in turn, will make you a better catch for someone in the future. And remember, when you’re single, you can kiss anyone you want… barring Omicron, of course!
All of that said, let’s go back to point #2—dating, and subsequently, finding love takes time and effort. So what should you be doing with that time in order to get yourself out there? While it seems obvious, online dating is a great place to start. And I don’t mean just slapping up a profile and expecting great things. I mean taking your time to choose the best pictures you have (I recommend five total on all sites but Hinge, which requires six), crafting a profile that represents the unique person you are (and never leaving the profile section blank!), and proactively swiping, sending messages, etc.
You could also join a MeetUp group for something you’re interested in, like hiking or painting or dining out. Or ask your friends to start telling you when they find interesting events in the area so you can tag along.
In the end, being single isn’t an enemy or a curse. Rather, it’s an opportunity to better yourself, figure out what you’re looking for, and then set out to find it.
One thought on “You’re Not “Still Single””
You are still single because:
1) You are not meeting anyone. Maybe you live in a small, rural town with no single men at work.
2) You are unrealistically picky. This happens after divorce, when women have happy youthful memories of handsome middle-aged men suitors. Your former suitors are now much older. Divorced middle-aged men are often paying alimony and child support. Never-married men can be playboys. Pick your poison. The handsome, rich ones are often dating younger women.
The problem is that dating sites shows you an unlimited “catalog” of men, and advertise the most attractive ones to lure customers. Make fake profiles to assess the competition. Are you expecting to get matched with men who can date younger, thinner, prettier women?
3) You don’t appreciate what men want. Successful men do not want difficult, “challenging” women who brag about careers. If you are sassy, successful, and sarcastic then you are probably bitter and belligerent. Men want pretty, fun, amiable, feminine women. Attractive people don’t stay single for long. Instead, dating sites are poisoned by losers and time vampires who send many messages. You need to set boundaries, and avoid first dates at 11:00 p.m. But you cannot jerk a good man around with inflexibility. They have many other options. Too many women think they can order men off the internet. These women try to schedule convenient coffee dates, they are late, inappropriately dressed, etc. These women are not ready when they meet a good man, and don’t get a second date. Attractive men are not there to audition for a second date. Men think “She scheduled a convenient date, showed up late, expected me to pay, and looked or acted like _that_?”