A question that often comes up is, “How honest should I be when telling someone that I don’t want to see them again?”
My quick and easy answer is that, in the early stages, say four or fewer dates, the perfect level of honesty is that you “didn’t feel the connection you’re looking for” or “don’t see yourselves aligned long-term.” The only honesty required is that you will not be seeing this person again. Anything beyond that is excessive.
Question: “I ended things with a man because I’m not feeling a connection and he asks why. Should I tell him?”
Answer: “That’s up to you, but you are under no obligation to tell him more than the truth you have already shared, which is that you don’t feel the connection and you won’t be seeing him again.
Many people think they want to have a real reason, but when presented with it, they get defensive or they will try to convince you otherwise or tell you they can change.
One helpful way to think about this is the difference between closure for them and emotional responsibility for you. In very early dating, offering detailed feedback often feels kind, but it usually serves the other person’s curiosity more than their growth… and sometimes at the expense of your own comfort. You are allowed to end something cleanly without taking on the job of helping someone process or improve themselves. That work belongs to them, not to the person opting out.
Now, if it is a misalignment of your future, like one person wanting children or the other not, that is objective and completely fine to share. But if it is something more subjective, like a choice or behavior you don’t like, I would absolutely not.”
The person who asked the question followed up with me, saying, “I appreciate the response! It is subjective, which is why I was leaning towards not answering so this confirmation helps! He was such a nice guy! Truly! But he lacked a lot of confidence, and I felt like I was planning every date and taking action. Like I had to call or FaceTime him, and even though he always wanted more calls, he’d never call me. Even after I assured him that he could. I also have a large group of friends that he met on Friday night, and he told me it was overwhelming (which is totally understandable), but my friends are a huge part of my life and I’d like someone who can more confidently be a part of my life. I just felt like the things I didn’t align with are things some other woman might love about him. So I didn’t want him to change because of anything I said.”
And I replied: “You stated that beautifully, and I agree that you made the right choice for you, but telling him these things would get to the core of who he is, which somebody else might love.”
It’s tough because I’m sure he feels hurt. (And my advice may have changed a bit, knowing he had just met all of her friends.) But when it comes down to it, his personality—less assertive/confident and less social—is not a bad thing, objectively. It simply doesn’t align with what she is looking for in her life. And that’s okay. No one is wrong, and no one is right.