March 16, 2015

How many times have you said the following to your friends, or have they said something like this to you?

We were talking online, and then he asked for my number to make it easier to schedule the date.  Well, it’s been a week, and all he does is text with no date in sight!


I don’t know… I guess I pictured him differently in my head from all his texts.

Or, how about this one?

OMG—I love this girl!  We’ve been texting every day, and I’m really falling for her. 

It happens all the time… someone puts his or her phone number down on a dating site or app and says, “Text me” or “Reach out to me.”  Does it really make communicating easier?  Isn’t it just as easy to check your email or your Tinder/JSwipe/Hinge as it is a text?  (Okay, maybe it’s not quite as easy, but still…)  And really, is there a need to text before the date, except to confirm the day before?  (Very important: do this)  My recommendation is simply to exchange numbers a day or two prior to the date so you can 1) confirm and 2) contact each other the day of in case something goes awry (you need to cancel, you’re running late, etc.).  As a side note—and I know I’ve said this before—if you’re cancelling the day of the date, especially if it’s within a few hours of when you’re supposed to meet each other, please do have the decency to call.

Besides the never-ending text relationship that might form with no date in sight, by texting (or emailing) too much before the date, you run the risk of building a false impression of this person that may not equate to what he or she is like in real life.  We often have a tendency to share things behind the screen that we may not reveal to someone in the flesh until much later.  The New York Post even has a name for this—premature escalation.

The article says this: “It’s a trend we’ve coined ‘premature escalation’… since our whole world is so instant now, people can craft entire personas through their slew of texts… by the time you meet your partner for an actual date, you’ve built up this whole image and fantasy in your head of who you think they are, and then they turn out to be totally different.”  Sound familiar?

What’s the solution then?  If you’re intent on texting before a date, then try to keep these texts to a minimum, with the purpose of determining the logistics of the date.  Whitney Casey, a love expert for agrees: “If your date starts sending you ‘How was your day?’ texts, it’s on you to cut him or her off — nicely.”  Saying something as simple as this should do the trick: “Hey—I’m not really a huge texter, but I’m really looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday!”

Now, I’m not saying all texting is bad.  In fact, I love texting!  It’s great when you’re in a relationship to check in with someone during the day or to send a sweet inside joke.  But just as I would never advise anyone to “friend” a potential date on Facebook before the first date, I would strongly advise you to just set up the date and go from there.  The sooner you meet, the sooner you’ll know if there’s chemistry.  And then text away!

Want more dating advice? (You know you do!) Click Here for your very own dating cheat sheet of 25 secret dating tips you can use immediately.


Texting and Dating: How Much Is Too Much?

6 thoughts on “Texting and Dating: How Much Is Too Much?

  • March 16, 2015 at 8:55 am

    I love texting after a date or two, once a face-to-face interest has been established. I enjoy sending affectionate, silly, funny and sexy texts with someone I’m interested in, and it can also be a great medium for exploring sensitive topics. Within reason of course. If someone’s texting me all the time, it’s annoying. But my main dating rule is that everything starts (or ends) with the in-person meeting; pretty much anything before that meeting is meaningless or a waste of time.

    • March 16, 2015 at 4:58 pm

      Thanks for the comment, Bill!

  • April 1, 2015 at 12:54 am

    I believe, Texting anything other than logistics will drastically increase the probability of her flaking (cancelling)
    If you are not txting her, it means you are busy with friends at a party for race-car drivers and super-models.

  • December 23, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    I got dumped by my girl for a guy who would sext her, I wanted real sex in person not fantasy sex throught texts, a real relationship!

    Text only relationships are not real in any way, they are you projecting your own image of perfection on a guy who will not take the time to make plans to be with you, but sometimes a woman will stop a guy from making time for them too. They like the fantasy more than the real man, they want perfection not the real man who is imperfect. When a guy tries to make a date she is quick to put a stop to it, by saying I want the way my life is even though they are very lonely. They want the control over their lives.

    Women need to watch out for the mimic guys who perfectly like everything you like, act the same way you act, and is always available to you when you have time for a man. This type of man texts you all day long, and is quick to get you to fall in love with them in 60 days. You need to at least make it to the 90 day mark before giving your heart, because anyone can fake it for that long if they are real good. But over 90 days they start to lose track of everything they have said and the cracks in their armor start to show.

    Remember all men and women have flaws if you have not seen any then you have not seen the real person that they are, so watch out for the mimics out there in the world. And if they ask you to marry them in the first 90 days run don’t think about it just run for your life. If they propose in text, voice chat, over the phone, or in an email you have a wack job on your hands, he or she might not have a place to lay there head at night. It still winter it’s cold outside.

  • September 17, 2023 at 2:05 am

    Texting is good but if you really want to meet the person, you have to make an effort. It’s a red flag if the other person just keeps texting you without making an extra effort in meeting you personally.

    -Pete (Dating Coach)


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *