April 26, 2012

 

The internet moves fast, doesn’t it? In the course of several days, a guy goes on a date from Match.com, thinks there’s potential for a second date, and then gets publicly humiliated, hereby being named “Creepy Spreadsheet Guy.” What to know the whole story? Click here.

Honestly, I feel badly for him. Before I started A Little Nudge, most of you know that I did online dating myself for many years and kept a… wait for it… spreadsheet. Granted, it was not as detailed as his, but there is certainly merit to staying organized. (And, like him, my background is in finance/econ, so when you have a tool like Excel, why not use it?) His only mistake (and, granted, he used extremely poor judgment!) was sending it out. But sometimes when guys like girls (and when girls like guys, for that matter), they do dumb things. Perhaps in his mind he thought the girl would be flattered since he only had positive things to say about her, and after one date, he trusted her – a huge mistake. It was the girl, in my opinion, who is in the wrong for sending it to her friends. Ok, she didn’t like him, but did she have to humiliate him? When you put something in writing, there’s no telling how far it can go.

To this day, I still have my JDate spreadsheet from when I was dating. And I gave italics to anyone I’d like to see again, Jeremy getting the coveted last set of italics. And now I keep spreadsheets for all my clients. Would I want them to be embarrassed by e-mailing the same person twice? Nope. There’s merit in the spreadsheet, and I’ll go on record saying that. But to this day, I have never shown anyone that spreadsheet… and I think I’ll keep it that way.

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April 5, 2012

 
Online dating takes work. And it’s sometimes a frustrating process. This I know. Even though my job is to tout the benefits of online dating to the world and help people through the process (and I truly do believe it’s an amazing way to meet), there were times when even I needed an online dating hiatus, or a “guyatus.”

Here are a few signs that you’re ready for a guyatus (or girlatus):

• You’re sick of sending clever, witty e-mails and getting no responses.
  Day after day, you send these e-mails, and when you log into your account… nothing. Did they not get your e-mails? Is your profile somehow invisible for the world to see? Did they just not like your hair? Whatever the reason, you’re coming up short.

• You’re tired of creating said clever, witty e-mails; it’s time-consuming.
  It’s hard enough thinking of a subject line, let alone one-of-a-kind e-mails on top of it. You don’t have the time or energy anymore to think of something interesting to say to every new potential love interest.

• You’re getting stressed out trying to fit in dates between all your other activities.
  Between happy hours, work functions, and school at night, even finding a an hour or two to schedule a first date seems daunting.

• You’ve hit your first date capacity… no more!
  You’ve been on one too many first dates that haven’t panned out for one of a number of reasons – no chemistry, didn’t look like the pics, etc. As I used to call it when I was on JDate, you’re “JJaded.”

Just as we need a vacation from work sometimes when we’re burnt out, it’s perfectly acceptable to take breaks from online dating to rejuvenate and get re-energized about the process. After you’ve been in the online dating game for a while, you may start dreaming of answers to “my perfect first date” and profiles saying, “I love to laugh, and traveling is my passion.”

When you feel like giving up for good, just remember – breaks are ok, but giving up is not. If you’ve been laid off and now you’re looking for a job, you don’t just say, “Well, I don’t really need a job. I’m done with this search.” You get back on the horse when you’re ready and power through those interviews, or first dates, if you will. Log off for a week or a month, and when you’re ready, sign back on with vigor. Change your pictures, create a new username, e-mail people on the periphery of your search criteria. The love of your life may pop up this time around, and you’ll be good and ready for it.

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March 2, 2012

 
In online dating, making a good first impression is key. People can easily pass over your profile with the blink of an eye if they don’t immediately see something they like. A recent study actually confirmed using data that men are extremely visual, looking mainly at the photos and less at the profile itself, making it even more important to choose wisely. Below are five rules of thumb for picking your online dating photos:

1. The main profile picture should be a clear headshot of yourself

If you don’t have at least one clear headshot as your main picture (it’s either blurry or too far away), it will look like you’re hiding something. You don’t want someone to click right past you because he or she can’t see what you look like, automatically assuming the worst.

2. Less is more

Believe it or not, Match.com allows a whopping 26 photos in your profile. That sounds more like a Facebook album! I have no doubt that the pictures from your trip to Greece with you standing on the Acropolis are amazing… just remember, there’s a time and a place for them, and that place is not an online dating site.

People have a tendency to look though all of your photos and dismiss you because they see just one they don’t like.

3. Be by yourself in the shot

Remember – this is your online dating profile. It’s not your friend’s, it’s not your dad’s – it’s yours. For that reason alone, you want people to see only you. You’re already being compared to others on the site, so don’t give someone the chance to compare you to other people in your own profile. If you’re trying to show that you have friends or are social, just say so. And for men, if you are trying to say, “These attractive women will hang out with me, so you should, too,” it actually backfires, making us think it’s an ex you’re not over yet. People often ask about pets. As long as Fido is yours, by all means take a picture with him. But just one.

4. Have one “interesting” picture

It’s hard to know what to say to someone in that first e-mail, isn’t it? This is why we need to provide some “e-mail bait” – something to catch someone’s attention and generate questions. For example, if you have a picture of yourself with a gold medal around your neck, it automatically raises the question, “How did you get that?”

5. Be accurate

The point of doing online dating is to get offline. Don’t lie about your looks – people will always find out the truth in the end.

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January 31, 2012

 
The Scene: Your neighborhood wine bar, a first date from Match.com
The Cast: Kathy, 39, avid runner and ice skater & Pete, 42, steak-lover and football fan

The exit interview:
Kathy – “He was just ok.  We didn’t have a lot in common, and the attraction wasn’t there for me, unfortunately.  I’m glad we met, but I think it was pretty clear that this was our first and last date.”

Pete – “Wow.  Kathy is the woman I have been waiting for.  She listened to every word I said about football, and she got two drinks, so that must mean she wanted to stay longer.  I’ll e-mail her tomorrow to ask her out again.  I don’t see any reason why she’d say no.”

This scenario occurs a lot, and the disappointed party is not limited to either gender – it happens to all of us.  It’s not the end of the world, though.  Seeing if you have a mutual connection is what dating is all about.  Unfortunately, sometimes you just don’t.  But it’s how you handle yourself afterwards that really matters.

If your date wants to see you again, you’ll usually get an e-mail or text.  (Unfortunately, the phone seems to have gone out the window these days.)  If you’re not interested, you have four choices: 1) Agree to go out with him/her again, 2) Politely decline with a white lie, 3) Politely decline with the truth, or 4) Ignore him/her.  Assuming you really do not want to go out with the person again, the best option is #3.  No one can be upset with you for politely telling the truth.  But it’s all in how you say it.  When I was on the market, I probably should have saved this e-mail to copy and paste since I used it so often:

It was really nice meeting you, and thanks again for the drink.  Unfortunately, I just didn’t think we clicked the way I’d want us to, but I think you’re really great and hope to run into you again soon.

Not bad, right?  It’s truthful, gets the point across, and there won’t be any miscommunication.

But what if someone wants to convey this message but lacks the tact to do so properly?  A friend of mine received the text you’re seeing here.  The guy lacked sensitivity, and now not only does she know he’s just not that into her, but she doesn’t even like him as a person.  As I said, no one should get angry with you for being honest, but try to do it nicely.

A friend of mine recently e-mailed me her dilemma: “I went out with the French guy from online who I had a nice ‘e-lationship’ with.  The date was fine.  I don’t really have complaints, but I also do not have butterflies whatsoever, not even moths fluttering around.  I think the attraction was not there.  He has now been texting, but I couldn’t get myself to text him back yesterday.  I just don’t think I want to hang again.  Is that bad?  Should I give it another shot?  Also, if not, do I need to let him know that nicely or do I just not write back? Ugh I never know what to do!”

My response: “Well, I’m glad the e-lationship with the guy ended and you finally met.  Did he at least have a sexy accent?    Unfortunately, only you know whether there’s enough potential to go out with him again.  If you think there’s even a small chance, it can’t hurt to have another drink.  Some people do get nervous on the first date, and attraction definitely grows the more you get to know and like someone’s personality.  But that one is up to you.  As for letting him know vs. not, in this day and age, as you know, most people do not get back to someone after the first date if they don’t want to go out again.  Given that he did text, you could let it go, which I’m sure is what most people would do.  But the better, more mature, response would be to say, ‘I had a great time the other night.  Not sure I felt the spark, but thanks again for the drink!’  That way, it’s honest, and if you ever run into each other, he can’t fault you for being truthful.  I’ve found that it’s typically the best policy because the non-response gets awkward sometimes, and with the city being so small, you’re bound to run into people.  Let me know what you decide to do.”

Plus, by not responding, you always run the risk of this happening.  So be honest… and be nice.

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December 30, 2011

 
Did you ever notice how the gym is packed in the first week of January, and your favorite stationary bike that overlooks the fire station on U St… ahem… your favorite piece of equipment is never available? And that Zumba class that used to have six people every week now has 38?

People make all kinds of New Year’s resolutions – to work out more, to quit smoking, to eat more vegetables, to learn a new language, to find love. Do you notice anything different between the first four items on that list and the last one? The first four are easily measured in small stages: You can increase your workouts from two to four times per week; you can switch to nicotine gum until the addiction has subsided; you can buy broccoli at the supermarket instead of tortilla chips; and you can take a community college Spanish class at night. But when it comes to finding love, it can seem hard to judge your results with anything short of “I met someone.” Just putting that as the arbitrary goal isn’t the way to go.

The better way to make a resolution to find “the one” this year is to break it down into smaller, measurable pieces. If you’re anything like me, you like to accomplish your goals and be able to measure the results. Below is a list of measurable (and fun) resolutions for the year ahead that should give your love life a kick-start in 2012.

1. Join an online dating site, and if you’re already on one, become more active. Just putting a profile up does not necessarily help with finding love. E-mailing people and being proactive about the process is what really matters.
2. Go to one extra social event per month. The more events you go to, the more people you’ll meet, and the more likely you are to strike up a conversation with a potential mate.
3. Talk to at least one new person at every event. It’s nice to have a crutch (aka your friend), but try to break out of your comfort zone this year and meet someone new. Plus, it might even make for a good “meet-cute” later. (I once dated someone I met in the hallway at jury duty because we both dared to meet someone new that day.)
4. Give one person you normally wouldn’t consider going out with a chance. You never know if you’ll have chemistry until you meet in person.

In the end, if you use these resolutions rather than simply stating “I am going to find love this year,” you will have full confidence in the fact that you put the effort in and worked towards your goal. Don’t be too hard on yourself, either. Meeting someone takes time, but the reward for working hard now may be a lifetime of happiness.

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December 15, 2011

 
People join online dating sites for many reasons: To find an activity partner, a friend, a date, a long-term relationship, marriage, or marriage and children. Some sites (JDate being one of them) are even nice enough to lay out all of these choices side-by-side for us. All it takes is the click of a button or two to list what we’d like to find in our online dating adventure. Curiously enough, “pen pal” is not an option. In fact, nothing of the sort is listed – not “letter-writer,” “someone to keep me occupied at work,” or “e-mail buddy.” Nope – it’s just not a choice. Why? Because people do not join online dating sites to simply e-mail back and forth. People are looking to form a real relationship, not an e-lationship.

The scenario always starts out the same. As women, we find someone good-looking who fits the bulk of our criteria. We send a short and sweet e-mail out into the ether just hoping for a response… and to our delight, we get one. We write a witty response back, spell checking twice and editing a little more. Finally, we send it off, waiting the requisite few hours or even a day just to make sure it doesn’t look like we’ve been sitting by our computer. Sometimes we get nothing back again (so annoying!), and sometimes we do… time to celebrate! So, we e-mail back, sharing information about ourselves, our jobs, and our lives outside of the confines of the dating site. And lo and behold, we keep getting responses. But response after response, nothing leads to a date request.

When it comes to online dating, the best way to play your cards is to ask someone out after just a few e-mails back and forth. Chemistry is hard to gauge over e-mail, so a few extra e-mails won’t make or break it. The best way to see if there’s any spark is to meet in person, and the sooner the better. If you plan the first date quickly and like each other, that’s great – you’ll have more time to spend together! If you don’t have that connection, you can move on without investing more of your time. In fact, I don’t even recommend talking on the phone before a date. Someone might be great on the phone and a dud in person or a bore on the phone and fabulous in person. The point is that you never know whether you’ll have chemistry (which I call the “wild card”) until you actually meet, and no number of e-mails will change that.

For men, it’s never too forward to ask someone out for a drink or coffee after one or two e-mails. (Remember – no dinner on a first online date.) If a woman responds to your e-mail or reaches out to you on her own, she’s probably interested enough to meet in person. But she’ll likely get a bit restless after about the fourth or fifth e-mail with no date in sight, so it’s best to lock in the date before that happens. E-mails are nice, but in the end, we’re looking for something real, someone real, and not just some words on a page, or an e-lationship.

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November 16, 2011

 
I have an app on my iPhone that tells me the keywords people use to get to my website. When I checked the list of keywords for the last month, the top 10 results (excluding the name of the business) were:

- Text after first date
- Second date ideas
- After first date text
- What to text after first date
- Good second date ideas
- The reasons for a bad date
- Second date protocol
- When to text after first date
- Texting after second date
- After a date who texts first

Notice any trends? I realized that if so many people are typing the words into the little Google box, it was worth an article discussing the etiquette of texting, or textiquette, as it shall now be named. (I thought I was clever for coining that term, but it appears that Urban Dictionary beat me to the punch. Foiled!)

In general, I love a good text. It’s nice to wake up to a “Good morning” or get a thoughtful “Thinking about you ” in the middle of the day. But where do you draw the line between cute and inappropriate?

The first, and my favorite, use of the text in the early stages of dating is the “thank you” text. If you had a good time on a first date and want to see this person again, send a text either later that night or the next day saying something to the effect of, “Thanks again for a fun time last night!” What are other variations of this, you may ask? The flirty thanks: “Thanks again for a great time last night. Too bad we had to go to work today. ” The suggesting-the-second-date thanks: “Thanks again for a great time last night. Next time the ice cream’s on me. ” Especially for women, if a guy paid for the date (and on the first date, he should – blog post on this to come later), he’ll appreciate another thank you, either over text or e-mail. The “thank you” text advice goes for both men and women – why not remind your date of you the next day? Assuming your date had a great time too, it’ll put a smile on his or her face.

Some other appropriate ways to use texts:
- Middle of the day flirt
- Good morning/Good night/Can’t wait to see you
- One random, funny thing
- Running late/parking

And the inappropriate ways to use texts:
- Canceling a date (Never do this. If you have the phone number, have the courtesy to call.)
- Having a conversation (It’s too much for a text.)
- Asking someone out (In order of preference, it’s phone, then e-mail, then text.)
- Breaking up with someone (This is such a no-no, I don’t even want to discuss it; although, for Sex and the City fans, I guess it’s better than a Post-it note.)

And that does it. Happy texting!

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October 13, 2011

 
There’s a section on Plenty of Fish, Jdate, and a few other sites that says, “My perfect first date.” As I peruse people’s responses, I’m overwhelmed by the sheer number of people who say, “Dinner,” or worse, “A nice, long dinner.” I don’t know about you, but I’d be hard-pressed to devote two hours of my life to someone I’ve never met in person. Now, I’m not saying you can’t have dinner with someone on the first date – quite the opposite. But instead of scheduling it ahead of time, you should just leave the option open. You can always add dinner, but you can’t take it back.

On my first date with Jeremy, we made plans to meet after work for a drink. I had arranged to meet up with a friend at a party later that night, so that when the drink was over (or if the date wasn’t going well), I had my out. And I was actually looking forward to the party. I warned my friend, though, that if I ended up liking this guy, I wouldn’t be joining her and the others. Lo and behold, I did have fun, and I did like this guy. Jeremy asked me if I wanted to have dinner after the drink, and I agreed. (Even though I had already eaten after work since I didn’t know when I’d have a chance to have dinner!) It ended up being a six-hour date… and the rest is history. (We now have an official move-in date!)

It’s ok to make plans that aren’t set in stone after a date. You shouldn’t schedule one-on-one plans because you don’t want to stand your friend up, but it’s ok to have plans with a group or a party… or with a glass of wine on your couch watching Beaches if you’re so inclined. That way, if the date doesn’t go well, it’s no biggie – you have other plans to look forward to and can salvage the night. And if it does go well, you can continue the fun date, like I did. Back-to-back booking is ok? You bet.

So, rather than committing to dinner on “your perfect first date,” how about this instead: “We start out with a drink, and six hours, some dinner, and some flirtatious banter later, we’re still enjoying each other’s company.” That sounds pretty perfect to me.

Curious to know what my “perfect first date” section said? Click here.

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September 14, 2011

 
“They must not have liked my hair.”

For those of you who don’t know me personally, I’m not only the online dating guru, but I’m also a singer/actor. And that line above is what I say when I don’t get the part. Their loss!

What does this have to do with dating? Well, when we put ourselves out there by sending people e-mails on an online dating site, we risk the chance of not getting an e-mail back. But let me be clear: Non-response does not equal rejection. In other words, the absence of a positive reply (an e-mail back) is not the same as someone turning you down. As OkCupid confirms, on average, only 32% of first messages sent ever receive responses.

There’s good reason not to treat the lack of a response as a rejection. Who knows why people don’t respond? The why isn’t the important part because it’s often out of our control. Maybe you look like an ex, maybe he dismissed you for having one silly typo, maybe she had a business trip that week and didn’t get to check her Match.com account. Whatever the reason, just chalk it up to, “They must not have liked my hair.”

True, the lack of response makes it that much harder to deal with when you fall in love with someone’s profile and think you’re destined to be together, right? A guy I know (we’ll call him Joey) came across a girl online who was also an avid golfer, loved cookie dough ice cream, and thought that doing the New York Times crossword puzzle was the best thing since sliced bread. He was obsessed with her profile and asked me to help write her an e-mail to win her over. I did. But I warned him that should she not respond, they weren’t meant to be, and that was that. He’d likely find a butter pecan-loving woman who much preferred Sudoku, and they’d be just as compatible because she’d expand his horizons. Until someone responds, he or she can’t be the love of your life (and for poor Joey, she wasn’t) – you’re lusting over some words and a picture on a screen. It’s only when you get a response that the person becomes real. And for that reason, I recommend sending more e-mails to more people than you’re inclined to because, ultimately, it’s a numbers game. The more e-mails you send, the more responses you get. 32% of 20 is more than 32% of 10, right? And who doesn’t want responses?

Is your next question, “Are you telling me to e-mail people I’m just ‘meh’ about in order to get a response?” Sort of, yes. As we all know, most of us are better in person than we are on paper (c’mon – we all know it’s true), so if you’re even somewhat interested in someone online, go for the e-mail. I’m a fan of opening all possible doors (sending e-mails) and then closing them later (after some e-mailing back-and-forth or after a date) if the person is ultimately not what you want. But in the end, the right ones will respond because you each see something promising in each other.

So, feel free to send those e-mails. What’s the worst that could happen… you don’t get a response? No biggie! They just didn’t like your hair.

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August 18, 2011

 
You’re on a date. It’s going just ok. Actually, no it’s not. You’re bored. He lied in his profile. Her jokes are offensive. You got into an argument over some spilled wine. He was rude to the waiter. She thought it was polite to spit out her gum and keep it behind her ear for later. He started talking about a potential Martian invasion and possible future wars between humans and aliens. Whatever the reason, you want out.

And herein lies the question: Is there a polite, socially acceptable way to end a bad date and extricate yourself quickly and gracefully?

Now, I’m not necessarily talking about Barney Stinson’s Lemon Law. (In case you don’t watch How I Met Your Mother, see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyyE70VV4qA.) I’m just talking about a courteous gesture that indicates that the date is over.

I once went on a JDate to play ping pong. (If you know me at all, you know I’m a ping pong fiend.) When I got there, I couldn’t find him. Why, you might ask? Well, he was about 50 pounds heavier than his profile picture and stated weight indicated. I could talk for hours about the reasons not to lie online, but I’ll save that for later. I wasn’t happy that my date lied, but I was already there, so I figured I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. But it soon became clear that he was exceedingly boring (like, pulling teeth boring) and a poor sport at losing to me in ping pong. Three strikes for him, and I was outta there. I told him that my workout earlier in the day had really taken it out of me and that I had to go home.

Did I do the right thing? Maybe. In hindsight, it might have been more appropriate to say that I was disappointed that he had misrepresented his appearance. But what’s done is done.

When it comes to a bad date, first determine the nature of “bad.” Is it “creepy” bad or just “no sparks” bad? If it’s the latter, then your best bet is to stick it out (at least for one drink or a cup of coffee). A drink can’t hurt matters either… It may actually loosen you both up. Who knows? You might even start to like each other. Plus, the worst that happens is you might get a funny story out of it. “Remember that time when I went out with a guy from JDate who had taken me out six years prior, but I didn’t recognize him? I didn’t like him then, and I certainly didn’t like him now!” Yep – happened to yours truly. I’m glad I stuck that one out since I’m still telling the story.

For the “creepy” bad date (other variants are “scary” bad, “offensive” bad, “mean” bad – you get the picture), the best bet is to (gulp!) be honest. This is definitely the most awkward choice, but it’s also the most mature. “You know, I just don’t think we’re clicking. It was nice to meet you, but I don’t want either of us to waste our time, so I thought I’d say that to give us the option to go do something else fun tonight.”

Telling a white lie (you’re not feeling well, you ate some bad cheese, you forgot about a work function you have to attend, you’re really tired, etc.) to get out of a date, like I did, isn’t usually the smartest move. You may cross paths with this person again, which actually makes this choice pretty awkward too. Your date may not have gotten the hint and may try to ask you out again, and the lie will become apparent by your present lack of interest. No, a little white lie never killed anyone, but if you’re comfortable enough to use the, “I just don’t think we’re clicking” line, it’s a better, more honest approach.

So, while there’s no modern-day dating Lemon Law, if your date starts discussing the pros of dogfighting, or coughing in your face without any regard for your personal space, it’s ok to admit you’re not a match and move on. Even Oprah agrees! http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Get-Out-of-a-Bad-Blind-Date-Etiquette-Advice

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