June 4, 2013

 
We’ve all heard the expression, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” In general, things that are worth it take time. So why does everyone think that Mr. or Ms. Charming will simply come knocking on your door at exactly the moment you’re looking for someone? It’s true that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was the process of finding the right partner. Many people sign up for an online dating site or go to a speed-dating event expecting to find their “one and only” simply by signing up or logging in. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy, and it will take some time. As with most things in life that you want badly enough, you’ll have to put some work into it. But don’t worry – all of the effort isn’t for naught.

Want to know how to put the effort to good use? Read the rest of this article on www.datingadvice.com. And take a peek at their 10 best dating websites for 2013!

May 28, 2013

In almost every aspect of life, we go after the things we want. Not thrilled with your job? Get your resume together and search for a new one. Some recent weight gain before swimsuit season upsetting you? Hire a trainer or up the ante during your workouts. Why is it, then, that in dating, many of us think happiness will simply find us versus the other way around? It’s as if we think we have a sign on our foreheads flashing, “Single and ready to mingle.” Unfortunately, that’s just not how it works. In online dating, writing a great profile is only half the battle. To really be successful, you have to be proactive and email people who interest you.

First of all, when searching for a potential partner, it’s important to keep a few things in mind:
1. Try not to be too picky upfront. In the long run, will it really matter if someone is 5’8 vs. 5’9?
2. Update your search periodically to include new people. Maybe Mr. or Ms. Right lives just five miles outside of your search radius.
3. Change how you sort your matches. Try sorting by newest members first, people last online, age, people closest to you, etc.

Now that you’ve found some potential matches, it’s time to send that email. And women, it’s important for you to email potential matches, too. Many women think that making the first move might make them lose the upper hand at the get-go or seem less feminine. Not true. Again, we need to go for what we want in life, and it starts here. Also, many people don’t take point number 2 above to heart, and their search criteria may not catch you. So if you don’t send the first email, that perfect match you’ve noticed may never find you. Plus, what guy wouldn’t be flattered by an email?!

As for what to include in the email, it’s actually pretty simple:
1. Something about his/her profile that caught your attention;
2. Something about you and how it relates to him/her; and
3. A question (to end the email).

In terms of length, a few sentences are enough to get the ball rolling. No one wants to read your novel after a long day of work. And no form letters! It’s very clear when people copy and paste the same email from person to person. That’s a surefire way to get zero responses. Also, humor and proper grammar go further than you might think.

Now that we know the rules, let’s look at three of sample emails that work:

That picture of you with your camera definitely caught my attention. Believe it or not, I think you’ve met your match – I have an addiction to photography, too. (Could be worse things to be addicted to!) I generally do portraits, but I recently took some pictures in Napa, which was really fun. How long have you been doing photography?

And on a different note, how’s that quest for finding the best store-bought marinara sauce coming along? You must eat a lot of pasta!

Best,
Amelia

I couldn’t resist writing to a woman who says she likes to drink scotch. A rare and precious find.

I also wanted to welcome you to DC! What do you think so far? We may not have the architecture that Chicago does (or the shopping), but I do think it’s a pretty great place to live. I assume you’ve taken one of those architecture boat cruises, right? We have paddle boating in the Tidal Basin… just the same, right?

Justin

I have to ask about your line, “Love women who love words.” Are we talking women with a big vocabulary? Just curious. Regardless, I like words. In fact, I use them daily.

Since you seem to be into good food as much as I am (not a small feat), what are some of your favorite places in the area?

~ Cynthia

In the end, you can’t win the lottery unless you play, so you might as well try your hand at the lottery of love to see what it has in store. Now, go forth and email!

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April 23, 2013

 
Have you ever wondered whether you made the right choice to be exclusive with someone? If you’re questioning things, then you have a few choices:

The Bar Test: Pass or Fail?

Here’s the test: When you’re at a bar (or restaurant, wherever) with your new belle or beau, are you looking around to see who else is out there or who might see you two together? Or, are you perfectly content with your partner, and you want everyone there to notice you with him/her? If the latter is true, then he/she passes the test. But if it’s the former, it might be time to decide whether being in a relationship with this person is your best option.

I remember once getting dinner with some girlfriends – two of us were single at the time, and the third had started seeing someone exclusively about a month earlier. My single friend and I wanted to be in a relationship, and my off-the-market friend craved what we had… the ability to date whomever we wanted. In other words, the newly-minted boyfriend definitely failed the bar test. She was still looking and, not surprisingly, a month or two later they broke up.

People say that when you’re with the right person, you’ll just know. There’s merit to that statement. And when you’re not with the right person, you’ll know that, too. Is it hard to introduce him as your boyfriend (or her as your girlfriend)? Is the thought of everyone knowing you’re off the market scarier than a swarm of bees attacking you? And when you go to a bar or a restaurant with your new man (or woman), are you constantly looking around to see who might catch your eye? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, your significant other doesn’t pass the bar test. That’s okay. You deserve to be with someone who does, so keep on looking. You’ll know it’s right when your new partner passes the bar test with flying colors… and even buys you a drink while you’re there.

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March 18, 2013

 
I’m smart, funny, and attractive.

I’m humble, successful, and kind.

I’m romantic, thoughtful, and trustworthy.

I’m sexy, passionate, and fearless.

I’m compassionate, honest, and friendly.

How many times have we seen lines like these in online dating profiles? If I had a nickel for every time I saw what I call an “empty adjective,” I’d be a very rich lady. What is an empty adjective? It’s a word that you use to describe yourself that can’t be proven until someone gets to know you. For example, I might say that I’m funny, but how would you know if that’s the truth? Maybe I’m funny to some people (the ones who love puns and wordplay) but not to others. Or maybe my definition of honest is telling someone she has spinach in her teeth, but your definition is giving back the extra penny if they accidentally give it to you at Trader Joe’s. A long time ago, I dated someone for a few months who said in his JDate profile, “I’m really romantic.” Was he? Not at all. The curse of the empty adjective strikes again.

This is where the concept of “show, don’t tell” really comes into play. For example, rather than saying that you’re funny, say something that you find funny. That way, you’re not only getting your point across, but you’re differentiating yourself from everyone who simply states, “I’m funny,” or worse, “My friends tell me I’m funny.” The latter is just a way to say the same thing while attempting to be humble. Sadly, it doesn’t work.

Let’s think of a story for some of the adjectives above:

Friendly: I tend to walk into a room and immediately ask people’s names – the cashier at The Container Store, the doorman/woman at my building, the parking attendant at school, the baker at Safeway. I may not remember them all, but I always ask!

Fearless: Despite my fear of flying, I knew I had to go to India as my culminating trip for business school. I may or may not have hyperventilated a bit. And then I realized, “I can do this!” Since then, I’ve been to 12 countries in the last four years.

Trustworthy: It wasn’t until many years after college that I realized everyone on my dorm floor had put me down as their emergency contact. They must have really trusted me… or knew I’d have nothing else going on.

Funny: I’m a dog lover, especially when it comes to my wise old dachshund. Unfortunately, he doesn’t enjoy dining out quite as much as I do (he likes the leftovers, though), he can’t read the subtitles of the documentaries I watch, he can’t help me with that pesky last letter of the crossword puzzle, and when it comes to dancing, well, he has two left feet… literally.

Words like attractive, sexy, young-looking, and fit don’t need to be stated at all because someone can decide that for him or herself simply from looking at your photos.

These empty adjectives will get glossed over and end up having the opposite effect of what you want – they’ll become meaningless. Remember: Be sure to set yourself apart and not get caught in the… dun dun dun… curse of the empty adjective.

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February 14, 2013

 
Tips for creating an online dating profile that attracts the right people.

It’s hard to write your online dating profile, isn’t it? Even if you’re a professional writer, when it comes to putting pen to paper about yourself (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be), that’s where things get a bit trickier.

Many people immediately think to themselves, “I should write what I think people want to hear. I want lots of people to be interested in me, after all!” I beg to differ. While, of course, it’s nice to be liked, you don’t want to lose yourself in the process of trying to fit into some arbitrary mold that you think others want to see. Take for example the lines, “I’m just as comfortable in a black dress and heels as I am in a t-shirt and jeans,” or “I’m just as happy out on the town as I am at home with a movie and a glass of wine.” Do these lines actually tell us anything? No. They simply cover all the bases. To me, it reads, “I am trying to show you that I’m versatile so that I don’t exclude anyone or turn anyone off.”

While it may seem counterintuitive, I’ll come right out and say it: It’s okay to turn people off in your profile! It’s more important to be the real you… not the version of yourself you think people want to see, and not the version of yourself who attempts to appeal to every single person on the site. Just be yourself. That way, you know when someone shows interest, it’s because he or she likes the actual things you said, not just that fact that you were being inclusive.

It’s okay if you don’t run marathons, ski, travel to Antarctica, skydive, or camp. I don’t! I personally would choose playing trivia, riding the stationary bike at the gym, shopping online for shoes, or even doing crossword puzzles over camping any day of the week. A bit nerdy? Maybe. The real me? Absolutely! So if someone out there is a hard-core camper and wants to go every weekend, then we wouldn’t be a good fit, and I’d rather that they know that at the get-go.

I have a challenge for you: If you’re currently on an online dating site, and your profile contains one of the “all-inclusive” lines, change it into something that better represents who you actually are. And if you’re thinking about joining an online dating site, remember that it’s okay to share your interests in bird-watching, chess-playing, beer-making, and whatever else you do for fun. Yes, you may turn someone off. But you may also turn just exactly the right people on.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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January 17, 2013

 
Online dating experts often give conflicting advice… 3 pictures versus 5 pictures, a long profile versus a short one, listing your salary range versus leaving it blank. But there’s one online dating pointer that most experts can agree on: Be by yourself in your online dating pictures. The last thing you want is to be compared to someone else in your own profile, or this could end up happening to you, too.

People have all kinds of reasons for including others in their photos, and I’m here to debunk them all… and then add two caveats for when it’s A-ok to share some screen time with someone else.

1. I want to show that I’m social.

If you’re trying to show that you’re social by including a picture of you with your friends, it often does the opposite – it looks like you’re trying too hard to show that you’re social. If you have an active social life, your profile should list some of the activities you do (kickball, mahjong, sailing club, etc.), and you’ll therefore have no need to show it in a picture. And we don’t want to make anyone pause to wonder whose profile this is. Remember – don’t let people compare you to your friends!

Whose profile is this anyway?

Much better!

2. I want to show that really attractive people (often of the opposite sex) are friends with me.

This picture is intimidating on many levels. 1) It makes the person looking at your profile compare him/herself to your picture-mates to determine whether he/she is attractive enough for you. 2) It looks a bit conceited, like you only befriend really attractive people. 3) It makes the person looking at your profile wonder if all of your friends are of the opposite sex. Is there even room for someone else in your life? Lose-lose-lose.

Look at me – I have hot friends. (And a side comment – that guy in the background is hilarious!)

I’m not so bad on my own, either.

3. I want to show how attractive my ex was so people can see who’s in my league.

This picture is also intimidating. 1) We compare ourselves. 2) We think you’re not over the ex if he/she still takes a prominent spot in your profile. 3) Even if you’re in a picture with just one other person of the opposite sex, we assume it’s an ex, even if it’s just a brother or sister. Again, lose-lose-lose.

My ex and I used to play golf.

Turns out I can golf on my own, too.

4. I want to show how good-looking I am compared to the rest of my friends.

This has the opposite effect of #1. People may think that you’re only attracted to friends who aren’t as attractive as you are and wonder why. Or, more likely, they’ll see right through it. Shallow? Yes. True? Yes. (I’ll spare you a picture for this one.)

What are the two caveats? Children and pets. If you have children, it’s your choice whether to include a photo with them or not. But if you do, one is sufficient, and please add a caption saying that these are your kids. For pets, again, one picture with Fido or Mittens the Kitten is plenty. And remember, don’t just show a picture of your pet without you in it. For all we know, you stopped some guy on the street and asked to take a picture of his pup!

The moral of the story? Being alone is best… in your online dating profile picture, that is.

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Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com

December 11, 2012

You go on a first date Tuesday night, and you think it went pretty well. In fact, you’re sure it went pretty well. I mean, why else would your prospective new lover constantly let his or her knee graze yours all night or share your drink as if you’d known each other for more than, oh, 45 minutes? You go home happy. Wednesday morning comes and goes, and by Wednesday around 3 PM, you think the potential new relationship is doomed. It’s been 17.26 hours, and not even a measly text??

The advent of modern technology – texting, Gchat, and e-mail – has completely changed the “three-day rule” into more like a “three-hour rule.” So many relationships end before they even start because no one knows the answer to the simple question: How soon do you follow up after a date?

A survey performed by the company LoveGeist was commissioned by Match.com last year, and it found that after a first date on a Saturday evening, most daters will get in touch by 11:48 AM on Monday with a call or text. Thus, 1.52 days is now the average time spent waiting for a follow-up message. The three-day rule is now cut in half! (I don’t, however, recommend a first date on a Saturday night, especially a first online date. A weeknight or Sunday evening date works well, and then if you want to see each other again, you can plan for the coveted Friday or Saturday night slot when you already know you have some chemistry. Remember, sometimes it’s better to be a PSP than a DO.)

In this day and age, we are all basically surgically attached to our phones. I know someone who texted from the hospital bed just minutes after she had a baby, and we all know someone (and that person likely stares at us in the mirror) who checks his or her e-mail every morning on the iPhone before even getting out of bed. When it comes down to it, if you like someone, it’s so easy to get in touch. If you wait the antiquated three days, it’s already a foregone conclusion that you’re probably just not that into the other person.

In most cases, if he’s interested, the man will contact the woman after the date to ask her out again. But I do encourage the woman to send a “thank you text” the day after the date. Why not remind your date of you the next day? Assuming he also had a great time, it’ll put a smile on his face and give him the “nudge” he needs to know that you want to stay in contact with him.

The rules are simple: If you like someone and want to make plans for date #2, then make the contact in a timely fashion. A short and sweet text, e-mail, or call will work. And ladies, if he has the courtesy to ask you out again and you’re not interested, do the kind thing and thank him, using the honest answer that you didn’t feel a spark. Ignoring it will only make a possible future encounter (remember – it’s a small world) that much more awkward.

And there we have it – the three-day rule debunked. Somehow the “1.52-day rule” just doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Let’s call it the “36-hour rule” and be on our way.

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Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com

November 9, 2012

 
Have you ever read those profiles where the person sounds intelligent and generally interesting… until that fateful last line? I’ve seen them all:

- Cowboys fans need not apply.
- If you’re looking for a fling, look the other way.
- No drama, please!
- If you’re into country music, forget about it.
- If you’re a cat-lover, move right along.
- Don’t write to me if you’re not looking for a serious relationship.
- Douche bags need not apply! (Taken from someone’s actual profile… I can’t make this stuff up.)

In doing a quick search of Match.com for men ages 25-50 within 20 miles of 20001 (my zip code), I found that 44 men used the expression “need not apply” somewhere in their profiles. And women? 125!

You might be thinking, “Is it really so bad to tell someone what I don’t want?” The short answer is: Yes. Let’s take the cat statement above, for example. While I may not love cats, I’m definitely not into negativity, so I’ll be turned off by a line eliminating a whole group of people for one trait. Instead, it’s better to show people what you do want rather than what you don’t. So in this case, rather than calling your cat hatred to everyone’s attention, just write about how you’re looking for a dog-lover because perhaps Fido is the main man in your life right now, and you’d like to change that.

By including one of these lines in your profile, you come off as negative, or even bitter. “No drama, please” screams, “My last relationship was full of drama, and I am SO over that.” “Douche bags need not apply” is not only a pretty disgusting expression, but also says to someone, “This girl’s been burned one too many times and she is jaded about this whole dating thing.”

Take a moment to reread your profile, and if something comes off as negative, try to turn it into a positive. To take two examples:

Negative: Cowboys fans need not apply.
Positive: I love football, but be careful because I may have to tease you about your team sometimes. (This line also serves as “e-mail bait,” enticing the reader to ask what team you like.)

Negative: Don’t write to me if you’re not looking for a serious relationship.
Positive: I’m looking for someone who is ready for a meaningful relationship.

When people read about you, they are likely to remember the last thing you said, so make sure the end of your profile comes across as confident, intelligent, and, most importantly, positive. Negative Nellies need not apply!

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Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com

October 11, 2012

If you know me at all, you know I’m a happy person. Like, sunshine and rainbows happy. Lollipops and daffodils happy. Springtime and gumdrops happy. And I’m an eternal optimist, truly believing that the glass is half full (maybe with a nice cabernet?) and that everything happens for a reason. But sometimes, just sometimes, I know that I can’t have too high expectations of people or situations because I may inevitably be disappointed.

Jeremy taught me a lesson very early on in our relationship: It’s better to be a “PSP” than a “DO.” What the heck does that mean? A PSP is a “pleasantly surprised pessimist,” and a DO is a “disappointed optimist.” My first date with Jeremy was on a Friday night. (I generally don’t recommend weekend evenings for a first online date, but it was the only night we both had available that week.) The next day, he e-mailed me to ask when I was free to go out again (yay!), and I suggested the following Tuesday. In his response, he asked if he was getting demoted, going from a Friday to a Tuesday. My response back was that it was actually a promotion – I was giving him two dates in one week! He explained that he was hoping that was the case, but he’d kept his expectations low so as not to be disappointed. The lesson: It doesn’t hurt to go into new situations with no expectations because things can only go up. If you go in thinking that everything will be rosy, you’re setting yourself up to be let down. As optimistic as I am about life, I know that it was an important lesson to learn.

This lesson carries over to many aspects of dating:

• Signing up for an online dating site for the first time. Remember, finding the love of your life takes time (and work), and Rome wasn’t built in a day.
• Going on a first date. While you always hope that each one may be your last first date, just go in looking for great conversation and some things in common.
• Going to a social event. It’s ok if your future spouse doesn’t sweep you off your feet at the event. Just go to have a good time and meet some new people.
• Going to a wedding. I know they say weddings are a great place to meet people, and one of my best friends actually moved cross-country to be with a wonderful man she met at a wedding, but it rarely works out that way. If you’re going to a wedding solo, just enjoy the event, stuff your face with hors d’oeuvres, and partake heavily in the open bar if you so choose (but remember that too much may scare away that stud or studette sitting across from you at the singles table).

I’m a firm believer in looking at the bright side of things. But do so with caution: In new situations, I’d rather be a PSP than a DO.

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Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com

July 25, 2012

 

 
In this day and age, sex runs rampant throughout pop culture. There are TV shows (“Sex and the City” was a personal favorite), songs, and plenty of movies that go into far more detail than I care to.

When it comes to looking for a serious, committed relationship online, however, sex and your online dating profile should not mix. Consider the two like oil and water, pickles and ice cream, toothpaste and orange juice… you get the idea. In its most innocuous form, people imply sex in countless profiles that mention touching and cuddling by the fire. But while cuddling by the fire may sound lovely, your profile is meant for you to talk about your hobbies and personality and for what you’re looking for in a partner. Who doesn’t like to cuddle? All that line does is take up extra space on the page when you could be using that prime real estate to win someone over. And I don’t know about you, but I personally wouldn’t want someone I don’t know creating a visual of me cuddling on the couch in my cozy PJs and slippers. Creepy!

Then there is the other extreme – explicitly mentioning sex in your profile. Unless you’re looking for a predominantly physical relationship (which some people are), this is an easy way to turn someone off.

Below are some real, unedited examples (taken from multiple online dating sites) of profiles where the “sex talk” is simply self-defeating:

1. “I like fishing and travel and sex.” (This was the first line of a guy’s profile!)
2. “I recently ended a faithful, 12-year marriage because I was unhappy with the intimacy and sex.”
3. “To be clear, uninhibited intimacy means I want a woman who enjoys cuddling up, flirting, talking dirty, and giggling in the arms of a man. I want a woman who simply loves having sex with a man. I want a woman who enjoys receiving oral sex…” (It went downhill from here. I spared your eyes – trust me.)
4. “I think it is important for the sake of compatibility, so I am leading with this: as it turns out, I prefer to be somewhat dominant in the bedroom. So yeah. There it is. I just wrote that, just put it right out there lol. ”
5. “I am looking for someone who is ambitious as I am, and has strong morals and family values. Someone who shares the same goals in life as I do. Oh yeah, and the sex has to be great too! ”
6. “Simple down to earth, compassionate, confident, romantic and loves to see ladies in nicely fitted tight/painted on jeans look.” (A more subtle, yet still pretty graphic, way of doing it.)

Sex is an intimate thing to be shared between two consenting adults – not an entire online community. So try to leave the “sex talk” in your mind and off your profile. It’s not until you know someone well enough that you should invite him or her to hear your thoughts. To draw the right kind of attention, feel free to review these tips for your photos to get on the right track.

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Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com